We will all experience difficult relationships at some point in our lives. Conflict can arise with your spouse as you go through life. This is because we are all human and are born with a sinful nature. No relationship will ever be perfect on this side of heaven. So, how can we handle conflict biblically if we inevitably face conflict in our relationships?
The Problem of Negative Perspective
Research has found that healthy couples who maintain a positive perspective of the other person are more likely to stay together for their lifetime. The inverse is also true – if we consistently have a negative perspective of the other person, the odds of the relationship lasting are very slim.
Philippians 2:3-4 tells us:
“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.” (emphasis added)
When we don’t follow the example of looking out for the interests of others, we can build resentment toward the other person. God instructs us to look positively upon each other when we handle conflict biblically by putting the other person above ourselves. Even when the other person might be on your nerves, you must hold onto a positive perspective if you want that relationship to last.
Continual Conflict
Within marital relationships, trauma, betrayal, or infidelity can break trust. But sometimes, when relationships get difficult, there’s not a major breach of trust. It’s the little, everyday annoyances that build up and change your perceptions of your spouse. Either way, you must remember that your spouse is not the enemy.
We often avoid conflict because it’s uncomfortable. You may justify it by telling yourself it’s not a big deal or focusing on how quickly you got over the last hurt. However, avoiding the topic doesn’t make the emotional hurt or frustration disappear.
That hurt can be repeatedly stuffed down deep until there is no more room, and the proverbial lid explodes off. It might even catch you off guard because you didn’t realize how strongly you felt about the conflict. Allowing your frustration to build up to a breaking point can erode the foundation of your marriage.
Contempt is when anger and frustration build to a boiling point. It’s simmering anger toward another person toward whom you do not wish them well. Contempt can also stem from sadness or fear. But regardless of how it starts, it’s detrimental to your relationship.
The Power of Positive Perspective
The antidote to contempt and resentment is keeping a positive perspective of the other person. Asking yourself the following questions helps you focus on what you love about the person and reminds you that they are created in God’s image.
- What do you enjoy about them?
- What is beautiful about them?
- What talents did God give them?
- What traits of Christ do they embody?
- Why are you in a relationship with them?
- What led you to fall in love with them?
The Bible gives us perfect advice on how to handle conflict biblically. Philippians 4:8-9 says,
“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.”
Remembering all the positive things about your spouse will help bolster your positive perspective and make the conflicts less difficult.
Healthy Communication
Communicating your feelings and needs is another remedy for contempt in complex relationships. Everyone wants to feel safe, to know that the other person cares. But if the other person doesn’t hear what is happening inside of your head, they won’t be able to meet your needs.
Learning how to handle conflict biblically involves developing healthy communication skills. This doesn’t always come naturally; we must learn these skills as we grow and mature. It does come easier to some than others, but all of us can learn and become better communicators with God’s help.
Healthy communication during conflict requires discipline, practice, and effort. If you don’t know what it looks like, seek out someone who does. A Christian counselor can help teach you the skills to handle conflict biblically. A wise counselor can help create a space where you practice these skills and learn how to handle conflict biblically in your marriage.
Know When to Walk Away
In marriage, one spouse often fears conflict, and the other fears never resolving it. This creates a pursuing/fleeing cycle that isn’t healthy for anyone, where one person is always avoiding, and the other is always looking to chase.
To avoid that cycle and not let resentment fester, learn to identify the appropriate time to walk away. When the argument gets heated, you can stop the conversation and propose a time to revisit the conflict. Pick a specific date and time when you can come back together calmly and peacefully to discuss it again.
Practicing walking away and revisiting the conflict later will ensure that anger does not get the best of you and that you don’t avoid the conflict indefinitely.
Seek Outside Help
If the conflict escalates, it might be time to seek outside help. Marriage counseling can be a helpful tool in marital conflict, and individual counseling can be beneficial if the other person is unwilling to go. Seeking wise counsel can give you tools to improve your situation as you strive to handle conflict biblically.
These tools require much trust between the two people in conflict. If you are experiencing any physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, please seek outside help immediately. A strong level of safety is essential to handling conflict biblically. If you are not safe, the other tools mentioned will not help. Visit our Care page to find a list of hotline references to contact if you are in crisis.
Hope in Difficult Relationships
Broken relationships are never hopeless because we serve a God of eternal hope. Nothing is impossible through Christ.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 encourages us by saying:
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.”
We are sinful humans who need Jesus. Without Him, we cannot have healthy conflicts and relationships. We must be deeply rooted in Christ and rely on Him for all our needs when handling conflict biblically. He cares for you and is ready to work in your life as you navigate these challenges if you let Him lead you.
God designed marriage to be a supportive, loving, life-giving relationship that mirrors His unconditional love for us. The Re|engage ministry at Abundant Life exists to help couples reignite and transform their marriages. Register to join a discipleship group and experience what marriage is meant to be!