Do you find yourself walking on eggshells around someone in your life? As a believer, you are called to love others. But how can you love someone who is self-centered and lacks empathy, to the point that it begins to affect your confidence and self-worth? As the Director of Counseling at the Abundant Life Counseling Center, I have seen men and women battling narcissism in a relationship, feeling abused, wounded, and hurting. They often second-guess their reality and are continually searching for healing to overcome the struggle of the narcissistic relationship.
According to the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), a narcissistic personality disorder can be displayed as self-centeredness, an exaggerated sense of self or self-image, and a lack of empathy toward others due to an underlying fragility in their sense of self. The disorder is found in 1%–2% of the general population, 1.3%–20% of the clinical population, and 8.5%–20% of the outpatient private practice population.
Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
To external observers, these attributes may appear to be confidence and high self-esteem. However, family members might perceive the critical behavior as emotional abuse and neglect. The DSM-5 defines narcissistic personality disorder as exhibiting at least five of the following symptoms:
- A sense of entitlement
- An inflated sense of self-importance
- Arrogant, egotistical, or haughty behavior
- Envious of others or believes others are envious of them
- Lack of empathy
- Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- Requiring excessive admiration
- Taking advantage of others
- Believing that they are “special” and can only be understood by other special or high-status people.
One may observe an individual emphasizing their personal accomplishments and interests at the expense of their family, friends, and other relationships. When these self-absorbed traits become severe, they transcend typical disagreements within relationships. Battling narcissism in a relationship can substantially impair the narcissist’s personal relationships, professional duties, or other vital aspects of life.
Where Did the Term “Narcissism” Come From?
Narcissism is a Greek term inspired by the mythological figure Narcissus. Narcissus fell deeply in love with his own reflection while gazing into a pool of water and ultimately died because he couldn't resist worshipping his own image. Much like Narcissus, individuals with narcissism often exhibit traits such as high pride, vanity, selfishness, and a lack of empathy.
Narcissists view life through the lens of their self-interest, and they find it hard to understand issues and look at others with empathy. When a person adopts this viewpoint, their family members find themselves battling narcissism in a relationship. This conflict may result in emotional abuse and neglect.
One of the tactics a narcissistic person uses to feed their self-perception of grandiosity is through a process called gaslighting.
Gaslighting | A Tactic Used by Narcissists
Gaslighting is how a narcissist manipulates others to make them doubt their self-worth or value in the relationship. They use mind control and emotional abuse to get what they want and control the story, causing the victim to doubt their own reality. The person doing the gaslighting seeks to control the situation and causes the victim to suffer emotionally. Narcissistic individuals often present themselves as the victim. They try to make the target person seem like the abuser or the controlling one, refusing to take responsibility for their actions or how they contribute to the problem.
2 Timothy 3:1-5 warns, “But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away!”
Battling narcissism in a relationship can leave you feeling hopeless, confused, and hurt. God warns us to turn away from such people, so you may need to put distance between yourself and the narcissist. Seek professional guidance from a counselor or mental health professional to help you discern the right steps to take.
9 Things to Know and Do If You Are in a Relationship with a Narcissist
- Know the difference between a healthy and unhealthy worldview.
A healthy individual's worldview is constructed by divine guidance, scriptural principles, familial heritage, community influences, and inherent wisdom. A narcissist acknowledges these foundational elements and considers themselves superior to these norms. They frequently target religious institutions, recognizing that church attendees typically observe these standards. The narcissist regards these individuals as objects to fulfill their self-centered objectives, utilizing people as means to an end. They maintain relationships only as long as the individuals are deemed beneficial.
- Write in a journal.
When you're experiencing gaslighting, it can be confusing. Writing out your thoughts can give you mental clarity. Writing also helps you find words and meaning to express your distress and vulnerability when battling narcissism in a relationship.
- Don't bear the burden alone.
You may feel anxiety from neglecting to process your emotions and feelings. Sharing your emotions and feelings can help you find freedom as you work through the distress of the gaslighting events. When battling narcissism in a relationship, burdens often originate from the misconception that you lack control over your future. Discussing and addressing your distress with a mental health professional can alleviate some of the anxiety you endure. This will help you understand your emotions and overcome your sense of not being in control.
- Know that working to maintain an “everything is okay” image creates more stress.
We are naturally wired for belonging, and rejection hurts. While the narcissist is damaging your self-image, trying to build or maintain your image can become very stressful and lead to unwanted anger or pain. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and admit to trusted individuals that you are not okay.
- Remember, you are not to blame.
Anger toward oneself is common, but you are not to blame. Gaslighting can be even harder to navigate if you depend on the narcissist for financial support. Fear for your survival can lead to anxiety and depression. But you are not to blame for their actions and choices.
- Get a physical exam.
Painful and traumatic experiences, like gaslighting, can cause significant physical problems. Stress may induce headaches, sleepless nights, an upset stomach, or other forms of physical distress. Seeking help from medical and health professionals like counselors and doctors can help you recover from these symptoms.
- Use the Word of God.
Battling narcissism in a relationship is not easy, and the Word can be your anchor of truth when you doubt who you are as a child of God. Find scriptures that resonate with you, write them down, and meditate on them daily. They will be your source of strength when you need a reminder of the truth.
- Set boundaries.
Put boundaries around engaging with the narcissist and limit your interactions when the communication turns to emotional manipulation.
- Seek out a mental health professional.
Abundant Life Counseling Center has trained licensed and pre-licensed counselors who have helped many people through issues like these. Do not hesitate to reach out to the counseling center for help!
What Does the Bible Say About Narcissism and Emotional Abuse?
The narcissist uses anger and sadness as a tool to manipulate and control others. A quote from an emotional abuse survivor stated, “I knew that God loved me, but I couldn't figure out why those I sought help from didn't treat me as He did. They told me God had called me, as a wife, to suffer, and it was my job to suffer well. It was confusing because the character of God isn't that of a cruel, heartless punisher.”
Scripture contains warnings about the danger of narcissism and emotional abuse. These verses help identify narcissistic tendencies and give you confidence to seek help as you battle narcissism in a relationship.
- “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.”—Proverbs 16:18
Those who carry themselves above others do not accept the glory of God, but look to make themselves equal to God. They seek recognition, wealth, and status, and their vanity places them on the road to ruin. Their lives and families are negatively affected by their prideful decisions. King Nebuchadnezzar in the Old Testament expressed himself in the haughtiness of spirit, and his kingdom departed from him (Daniel 4:30-31).
- “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath;for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”—James 1:19-20
All evil comes from the curse of sin, and all good comes from God. We are to rely on the Holy Spirit to keep us balanced. Scripture tells us we should listen more than we talk and understand how our behaviors and words can affect others in our relationships.
How to Battle Narcissism in a Relationship with the Word of God
When a spouse is a narcissist, emotional abuse can be subtle and concealed from other family members. God built us for connection with one another, and marriage is one of the greatest relational connections to build His kingdom. When spouses or family members are controlling, demeaning, punishing, humiliating, or working to isolate an individual, such actions can adversely affect and damage the victim’s physical health.
Here are five prayers from the Word of God that you can use when battling narcissism in a relationship.
- Recognize the abuse.
Pray: “Lord, help me to recognize the difference between loving submission and slavery. In Jesus' name, amen.”
Love is many things: patient, kind, humble, selfless, and protective. Use 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 as a guide on what love is meant to be in a relationship.
- Remember your identity in Christ.
Pray: “Lord, when this abusive person wants to convince me that I am worthless, help me to remember who I am as a child of God. When society says I am a bad spouse for abandoning the relationship, allow me to remember who I am in Christ and that I am not being selfish. In Jesus' name, amen.”
If your spouse is not honoring God's will for your marriage, Satan is whispering lies in your ear that your role is to be the sacrificial spouse. Remember your worth. Matthew 10:31 says, “You are of more value than many sparrows.” John 1:12 says that you become a child of God when you receive Christ. God does not want His children to submit to abuse and suffer as if it were an act of obedience to Him.
- Receive healing.
Pray: “Jesus, I am hurting. How do I heal from this grief? How do I learn to trust again, trust myself, to help me overcome all of this anxiety? Please help me to trust in You as my Healer. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
God is not the author of confusion but of peace (1 Corinthians 14:33). God promises you that you will overcome because He has overcome the world.
- Release forgiveness.
Pray: “Lord, I am full of anger towards this person. I don't want to forgive because I am angry and sad about what happened, and our lives being torn apart. Lord, they have hurt me and my loved ones, and I know I need to forgive, but I am finding it very hard. Please help me to forgive them. In Jesus' name, amen.”
Remember that forgiveness is for your benefit and well-being. Let go of the stress and burden you might be carrying right now. Jesus clearly states: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15).
- Renewing of the mind.
Pray: “Jesus, I pray that my mind is free and clear of the traumatic and emotional abuse I have lived with, and that You would create in me a transformed mind and abundant life. I trust You to renew and heal my mind. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
Romans 12:1-2 challenges believers to present their bodies as living sacrifices, and not to be conformed to the world. If you allow God to renew your mind, you will be able to prove what is His good, acceptable, and perfect will, and will experience His peace that surpasses understanding.
Takeaway
If you are battling narcissism in a relationship, you are not alone. God sees you, and He does not want you to suffer. Reach out to our counseling center today to schedule an appointment and find healing, hope, and perspective.
Doug Geiger DMIN, LPC, NCC
Doug Geiger is the Director of Counseling at the Abundant Life Counseling Center. He earned a Doctor of Ministry from Liberty University and a Master of Arts in Counseling from MidAmerica Nazarene University. Additionally, Doug teaches in Calvary University's Master of Biblical Counseling program and serves as an adjunct professor for MidAmerica Nazarene University's Master of Arts in Counseling program.
FAQ
What is gaslighting in a Christian relationship?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where a person twists reality to make you doubt your memory, perceptions, and even your sanity.
Is it biblical to set boundaries with a narcissist?
Yes, setting boundaries with a narcissist is wise and aligns with biblical principles that call believers to guard their hearts and turn away from those who are abusive and unrepentant.
Does God want me to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship?
God does not call His children to submit to emotional abuse. Scripture reveals that He values your safety, dignity, and worth, and He provides freedom, wisdom, and support to help you step away from destructive patterns.
How can I heal from narcissistic abuse as a Christian?
Healing from narcissistic abuse begins with recognizing the abuse, remembering your identity in Christ, and inviting God to renew your mind and restore your heart. Seeking help from trusted counselors, medical professionals, and Christ-centered community offers support for long-term recovery.